I have hit the two-month mark of being in a new place, and inevitably, that means I've just wrestled with my first case of homesickness.
The thrill of being in a new place hasn't faded yet, because I'm still really enjoying the area and exploring new places with new friends. But I've realized that I haven't really let myself truly relax for over two months now and it's starting to wear on me.
I'm still feeling people out and I haven't been able to be my complete, ridiculous self and it has been pretty exhausting. I feel like I've been constantly censoring myself and holding back because I'm not totally comfortable yet, and I don't want to make other people uncomfortable if they don't get my (sometimes dark/sarcastic) sense of humor. I do have my fellow 'Zonie Eloisa who is the only person at this point that I can totally be myself around, and that really has helped me feel more at ease, but she and I have had different schedules because I started working so we haven't seen each other as much as I would like.
Plus, I am the new girl at work again. I just started a new job at a restaurant where they threw me immediately into training for three solid days this past weekend. And I know that working at a restaurant is not the most difficult job in the world, although sometimes people don't realize how complex it can be at times trying to make sure everything runs smoothly, but it has been hard trying to settle in again. There are new names to learn, protocols to get down, menus to memorize (including 48 beers on tap), among other things. And that is just a lot for my poor little brain to take along with classes.
On top of that, I got the job and started right away, like the day after I went in and applied which was a little sooner than I had been expecting. I thought I'd at least have to drop off more than one resume/application before getting a job, and at least have more than one interview. It was kind of cool getting a job so fast though. I walked in and dropped off an application and walked out with a job. I sat down with the General Manager/one of the owners and he liked me so much he hired me on the spot. That being said, I was expecting him to at least give me a "we'll call you" not a "can you start tomorrow?" Not that I'm complaining! It's just one more thing that is going to take some adjusting to, that's all. I just need to fall into a rhythm with work and school. Hopefully I'll just be working weekends so I can focus on school during the week.
I was Skyping with my parents the other day (which actually helped with the homesickness factor) and my mom said that she thinks I've been a little homesick because I've been tired, and she's probably right. Because let's face it my mom is almost always right...
I am really looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving though, and I'm glad that I get to be home for an entire week. It will be a nice little dose of home to tide me over until Christmas.
So for now, I'll keep pouring myself cups on liquid motivation and try to power-through until the holidays come around. And hopefully the uneasiness will fade with time.
~~~
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Everyone I Know is Getting Married and I'm Just Getting Drunk.
Just kidding. I'm going to grad school, I'm not just getting drunk.
Although, sometimes I feel that alcohol does provide a particular sort of social lubrication that enhances the experiences I add to my writing material drawer at the end of every weekend. But seriously...
Back to the whole marriage thing though...I met up with one of my long-but-not-quite-lost friends from high school, who just so happens to live in Boston. We went and got brunch at a super hip place, ordering cappuccinos and fancy eggs benedict (I didn't think you could get any fancier than that). It was so nice to see her again, and it felt like it was just the other day that I saw her so we had a really good time reconnecting.
And after we caught up on that status of each other's lives we soon we fell on the topic of who was getting married from high school, who was already married, and who was married with kids (eeek!). Me and Britt (my friend from high school) agreed that we are all for settling down and starting a family...eventually.
The key word in that sentence is "eventually." I'm 23-years-old and truly, just starting out my life. There are so many places, things, and people I want to meet or see before I permanently settle myself down somewhere or tie myself to another person forever. And I know that this is truly just a personality trait, some people are content with certain things, other people are not and strive for different things or experiences. But for me, the day I stop "wanting" is the day I know I'm in trouble. So I guess the point of this marriage convo or the question that I would like answered is--what's the rush?
Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm saying when I ask "what's the rush?" Because I get that some people are lucky enough to find "their lobster" at a younger age, and bless you for being so lucky. But the rest of us haven't been so lucky, or we haven't been lucky yet, and I'm just enough of a hopeless romantic and a realist to think that everything happens for a reason, or in its own time. Not everyone's timeline is identical. Our little life milestones don't happen in the same order, and please don't feel bad for me because of that.
I refer to my one roommate a lot, and that's probably because we really are so different when it comes down to personalities. And I really do love her for who she is, much like I would a sister or cousin who I sometimes clash with. However, she's constantly showing me things about myself that I had never really had to put into words for someone before.
Like the other day we were talking about marriage or getting married, for some reason that I can't seem to remember now, when she asked me "do you want to get married?" To which I answered, "well yes, but only to the right person." And she proceeded to ask me "well what if you don't meet him till you're like 30?" To which I repled, "then I won't get married until I'm 30..." This went on for a while with different variations of the same questions...until we came to the big question.
"Well, what if you don't meet him at all?"
"Well, then I guess I won't get married."
"So, you'd just be alone?"
"I guess so."
"Don't you find that kind of depressing?"
But here's the thing, I was blessed with an amazing family and amazing friends so I have never ever truly experienced what it feels like not to be "loved." Sure, I may have had my bouts with "under-appreciated," "misunderstood," and "overlooked," but never "not loved." So, I'm not going to go out there and settle down with someone who is not quite up to par just because I'd rather have a second choice than be alone. I would never want to be someone's second choice, or the person they settled for, so I could never do that to someone else.
Call it me being stubborn, or naive, or blame it all on my constant battle with my pride but there are some things that I believe in like "don't force it, especially if it isn't right" and I'm not going to change that because I don't want to. I believe the Supremes when they say "you can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait."
And I know that the best things in life, are worth the wait. Or at least that's what I've come to believe so far.
Sorry about my little rant. I just don't want people to think that because I'm willing to wait for someone special, that I am closing myself off to the idea of marriage. It's just one area of my life where I'm going to stick to my guns, if you know what I means.
And that is how the cookie crumbles.
I'm going to test out sign offs from now on. Or steal other people's.
~~~
Although, sometimes I feel that alcohol does provide a particular sort of social lubrication that enhances the experiences I add to my writing material drawer at the end of every weekend. But seriously...
Back to the whole marriage thing though...I met up with one of my long-but-not-quite-lost friends from high school, who just so happens to live in Boston. We went and got brunch at a super hip place, ordering cappuccinos and fancy eggs benedict (I didn't think you could get any fancier than that). It was so nice to see her again, and it felt like it was just the other day that I saw her so we had a really good time reconnecting.
And after we caught up on that status of each other's lives we soon we fell on the topic of who was getting married from high school, who was already married, and who was married with kids (eeek!). Me and Britt (my friend from high school) agreed that we are all for settling down and starting a family...eventually.
The key word in that sentence is "eventually." I'm 23-years-old and truly, just starting out my life. There are so many places, things, and people I want to meet or see before I permanently settle myself down somewhere or tie myself to another person forever. And I know that this is truly just a personality trait, some people are content with certain things, other people are not and strive for different things or experiences. But for me, the day I stop "wanting" is the day I know I'm in trouble. So I guess the point of this marriage convo or the question that I would like answered is--what's the rush?
Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm saying when I ask "what's the rush?" Because I get that some people are lucky enough to find "their lobster" at a younger age, and bless you for being so lucky. But the rest of us haven't been so lucky, or we haven't been lucky yet, and I'm just enough of a hopeless romantic and a realist to think that everything happens for a reason, or in its own time. Not everyone's timeline is identical. Our little life milestones don't happen in the same order, and please don't feel bad for me because of that.
I refer to my one roommate a lot, and that's probably because we really are so different when it comes down to personalities. And I really do love her for who she is, much like I would a sister or cousin who I sometimes clash with. However, she's constantly showing me things about myself that I had never really had to put into words for someone before.
Like the other day we were talking about marriage or getting married, for some reason that I can't seem to remember now, when she asked me "do you want to get married?" To which I answered, "well yes, but only to the right person." And she proceeded to ask me "well what if you don't meet him till you're like 30?" To which I repled, "then I won't get married until I'm 30..." This went on for a while with different variations of the same questions...until we came to the big question.
"Well, what if you don't meet him at all?"
"Well, then I guess I won't get married."
"So, you'd just be alone?"
"I guess so."
"Don't you find that kind of depressing?"
But here's the thing, I was blessed with an amazing family and amazing friends so I have never ever truly experienced what it feels like not to be "loved." Sure, I may have had my bouts with "under-appreciated," "misunderstood," and "overlooked," but never "not loved." So, I'm not going to go out there and settle down with someone who is not quite up to par just because I'd rather have a second choice than be alone. I would never want to be someone's second choice, or the person they settled for, so I could never do that to someone else.
Call it me being stubborn, or naive, or blame it all on my constant battle with my pride but there are some things that I believe in like "don't force it, especially if it isn't right" and I'm not going to change that because I don't want to. I believe the Supremes when they say "you can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait."
And I know that the best things in life, are worth the wait. Or at least that's what I've come to believe so far.
Sorry about my little rant. I just don't want people to think that because I'm willing to wait for someone special, that I am closing myself off to the idea of marriage. It's just one area of my life where I'm going to stick to my guns, if you know what I means.
And that is how the cookie crumbles.
I'm going to test out sign offs from now on. Or steal other people's.
~~~
Monday, October 8, 2012
Rainy Days, Falling Leaves and Ear Aches.
I love Fall.
It's seriously my favorite season. Which is funny because I grew up mostly in a state where there aren't really distinct changes in seasons, let alone the gold, burgundy and wine colored foliage of autumn. Autumn, that's the fancy term for 'Fall.' I think I like the term 'Fall' better, it's more accurate in my opinion. Because it describes what the leaves do.
In the spirit of my favorite season, I baked enough pumpkin muffins/bread to feed the entire Von Trapp family, including their extended family last week. My classmates were pretty thrilled, I brought muffins to class twice in one week. I'm becoming super popular. ;) On the plus side, our apartment smelled like pumpkin and spices for a couple of days so that was fitting with the season as well.
It's been pretty rainy these days, and that just makes me want to lounge around and read. Lucky for me, I picked a major/career path that caters to just that. I just lay around and read poetry. And then I write stuff, which is actually a lot harder than it looks or seems. But it's pretty amazing actually, that I'm doing what I love, at least so far. And I have a cute umbrella/rain-boots that I never got to wear much or use up till this point, so I'm pretty stoked about that too.
I had an ear infection or something this past week also--which means I laid low this weekend. My head and ears felt a lot of pressure, so I had a constant head ache for a few days. I'm feeling better now. I think I'm just adjusting to the weather a bit. It was nice though just hanging out, and the weather was still damp and rainy, putting a damper on my wanting to go out (please pardon the pun). I felt very unmotivated last week, partly because I wasn't feeling so well, but I think I got that motivation back. And it didn't even take my usual two cups of liquid motivation. I'm growing. Isn't it grand?
I bought a peacoat today for winter! It's pretty adorable and it was on sale (thank you mom and Aunt Michelle for teaching me how to shop)! So, I should be all set for when it starts to get really cold. I'm kind of curious to see how cold it really is, or if I feel like I can handle it or not. I have been blessed with a pretty moderate body temperature thus far, I've handled the extreme heat, so we'll see if I can handle the extreme (or relatively extreme) cold also.
For those of you who might possibly be angry with me for not calling you yet...here's my excuse: my phone is a POS. I barely have service anywhere and when I can answer the phone, most of the time the person has trouble hearing me. My best friend has been Skype lately, because my internet connection is better than my phone service. So, if you'd like to chat--Skype is my best bet for now. I'm not sure if it's AT&T or if I need a new phone. I think its going on three years old...and that's a lot for an Iphone. Regardless, I'm going to try to go to AT&T this week and see if I'm due for an upgrade.
This has been a very boring and to the point post. Haha. But I hope you enjoyed it! I really need a catchy signing off slogan...like all the good newscasters have. I'll work on that. Until next time...
~~~
It's seriously my favorite season. Which is funny because I grew up mostly in a state where there aren't really distinct changes in seasons, let alone the gold, burgundy and wine colored foliage of autumn. Autumn, that's the fancy term for 'Fall.' I think I like the term 'Fall' better, it's more accurate in my opinion. Because it describes what the leaves do.
In the spirit of my favorite season, I baked enough pumpkin muffins/bread to feed the entire Von Trapp family, including their extended family last week. My classmates were pretty thrilled, I brought muffins to class twice in one week. I'm becoming super popular. ;) On the plus side, our apartment smelled like pumpkin and spices for a couple of days so that was fitting with the season as well.
It's been pretty rainy these days, and that just makes me want to lounge around and read. Lucky for me, I picked a major/career path that caters to just that. I just lay around and read poetry. And then I write stuff, which is actually a lot harder than it looks or seems. But it's pretty amazing actually, that I'm doing what I love, at least so far. And I have a cute umbrella/rain-boots that I never got to wear much or use up till this point, so I'm pretty stoked about that too.
I had an ear infection or something this past week also--which means I laid low this weekend. My head and ears felt a lot of pressure, so I had a constant head ache for a few days. I'm feeling better now. I think I'm just adjusting to the weather a bit. It was nice though just hanging out, and the weather was still damp and rainy, putting a damper on my wanting to go out (please pardon the pun). I felt very unmotivated last week, partly because I wasn't feeling so well, but I think I got that motivation back. And it didn't even take my usual two cups of liquid motivation. I'm growing. Isn't it grand?
I bought a peacoat today for winter! It's pretty adorable and it was on sale (thank you mom and Aunt Michelle for teaching me how to shop)! So, I should be all set for when it starts to get really cold. I'm kind of curious to see how cold it really is, or if I feel like I can handle it or not. I have been blessed with a pretty moderate body temperature thus far, I've handled the extreme heat, so we'll see if I can handle the extreme (or relatively extreme) cold also.
For those of you who might possibly be angry with me for not calling you yet...here's my excuse: my phone is a POS. I barely have service anywhere and when I can answer the phone, most of the time the person has trouble hearing me. My best friend has been Skype lately, because my internet connection is better than my phone service. So, if you'd like to chat--Skype is my best bet for now. I'm not sure if it's AT&T or if I need a new phone. I think its going on three years old...and that's a lot for an Iphone. Regardless, I'm going to try to go to AT&T this week and see if I'm due for an upgrade.
This has been a very boring and to the point post. Haha. But I hope you enjoyed it! I really need a catchy signing off slogan...like all the good newscasters have. I'll work on that. Until next time...
~~~
Monday, October 1, 2012
Dear Insomnia, I Thought We Were Through. Apparently Not...
So, I can't sleep.
This happens to me sometimes--I blame my father for this. It's one of the things I inherited from him, and like his mutant eyebrows, it's still annoying after all these years. But it does force me to update my blog, so I guess it's the universe's way of telling me I'm a little overdue on keeping you all up to speed on my life these days.
I guess I'll just give you the highlights.
This happens to me sometimes--I blame my father for this. It's one of the things I inherited from him, and like his mutant eyebrows, it's still annoying after all these years. But it does force me to update my blog, so I guess it's the universe's way of telling me I'm a little overdue on keeping you all up to speed on my life these days.
I guess I'll just give you the highlights.
- I went salsa dancing. A couple of friends from my classes decided it would be fun to go and even though it was pouring rain, we went. It took a couple of glasses of sangria before I actually braved the dance floor but it was actually surprisingly fun having random latin men attempt to teach me to dance. And they weren't creepy about it either, which was also surprising. They just genuinely wanted to dance. One of my dance partners got so excited that I started to get the hang of it, that he tried to dip me at the end. Good news, I did not fall or injure my partner in any way! I definitely need to wear better shoes next time...boots are not good for salsa. Who knew? Heels might actually be the better choice in this case--it would force me to be lighter on my feet.
- I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my good friend Catherine's wedding in July and I'm really excited! She asked me this past week and of course I said yes! It's my first time being a bridesmaid in a wedding and it's actually for a friend I really do love/know really well so it should be fun helping make Catherine and Sean's day special! I kind of had an inkling that I was probably going to be a bridesmaid since Catherine has been sharing wedding plans with me and asking for advice since she and Sean got engaged. She also has been sending me pictures of potential dresses as well as bridesmaid dresses from across the country but she wanted to make it official so I make sure to be around for all the festivities. I was always going to the wedding but now I'll have to factor in the bachelorette party and maybe a rehearsal dinner and some dress fittings. The potential colors for bridesmaid dresses are as follows: coral, turquoise and charcoal. All of which, look fabulous on me. If one of the colors was yellow, then we'd have a problem. Yellow is not my color.
- I found my coffee shop. My new friend Eloisa is responsible for bringing the two of us together. It's called Espresso Royale Cafe on Newbury St and I am in love. The two of us (me and Eloisa) went there last Friday to write/work on homework and I just had this feeling. Plus the coffee was amazing. It's got good vibes for writing and studying and that's important. So if I'm not at home and not at school I'll probably be there sipping on a latte or a mocha.
- And here's the sad news. Last week one of my good friends from college's father died in a motorcycle accident. I didn't sleep very well this past week, and maybe that's contributing to my insomnia now, but the news overall broke my heart a little. I was wrestling with the idea of how to handle the situation from my end and what I could possibly say in this situation and I just sat down and wrote this poem. I'm going to share it with you although it will probably significantly change after the people in my workshop are through with it...but I promised to share some of my writing on here so here you go.
Elegy For a Man I Met Only Once
For Taylor
They were out of shooting stars so I made a wish on a
blinking one for you
but I’m almost certain it won’t do.
I would fill a thousand light bulbs with fireflies
to bring some light to those stale eyes
to make up for the overused “I’m sorrys” the generic “I’ll
pray for yous.”
Knowing all the while it won’t do.
It’s better I’m not there trapping tears in your beard—
trying to reach for the right words.
“I know how much you loved your dad.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
No words will do.
Remember the time we laid on the rocks by the lake
half-sober spelling our names with stars—
stars that never blinked,
they shone strong like the rocks beneath our spines
until the sun inevitably rose?
I know there’s nothing I can do.
I’m sorry.
I’ll pray for you.
That's all for now. Now I try to get some sleep.
~~~
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